Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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