It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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