You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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