whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
