at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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