I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
