You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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