You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
