From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
