you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sober January is a disaster.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
