He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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