Who wears a wallet chain?!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
