Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
