my sisters under your porch take her home
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
