i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
