I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
