He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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