If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
