ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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