Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
They have beer where we have blood.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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