I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
