she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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