thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
