i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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