just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
