you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
