I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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