ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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