i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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