Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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