When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you remember whose house we're in?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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