dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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