my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
