Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
