My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
