I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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