Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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