I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
