Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
