my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
