my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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