I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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