note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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