Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize