I think im going to throw up on grandma
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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