and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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