I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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