Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
