The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
