Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
