well I can't set my house on fire every night
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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