Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
