im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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